Meeting

So I turned 25, my little sister got a boyfriend, and I freaked out. So in freaking out, I decided to get a tattoo, which I never got, another piercing, which I never got, a new truck, which I never got, and to join match.com, which I did.

I joined in a panic, and probably against my better judgement. But I joined. I had hoped it would have more... more. Its a plethera of men, all of which are lame, unattractive and very attentive, or ridiculously attractive and don't care at all about me. And me, with my shallow yet very honest voice, is wanting someone ridiculously attactive.

But I met one of the average guys last night, and he was nice, and paid for my dinner, and there was never a lull in the conversation, and yet... I was bored. He got passionate about things, which is more I can say for the last guy who took me out. In sounding picky, he was passionate about the wrong things.

I love Jesus, I just do. Its not going to change, and though I've been hurt and disappointed, and I'm angry, I want to attend church. He was burnt out. Which is totally understandable, and I get it. But I'd like someone to be willing to attend with me, and not expect the worst every time and be bitter and angry. It felt more like a buisness meeting, than a date.

Then, there are these guys who go on and on about Jesus, and how the girl they meet must be in love with Jesus too, and how their whole lives revolve around church and missions. I just wonder, do they do anything else? Is there a personality along with that ministry?

What I'm looking for is a good balance. Someone who loves Jesus, but has character and isn't angry and bitter.

And, after joining match.com, I have come to the solid conclusion that I want to meet a person in real life and not online.

25

I'm turning 25 in a couple days. I always make a big deal out of all my birthdays, I mean I was born! LOTS to celebrate! So I make a big deal, get dressed up, and make it an all out night for people to come and just have fun together. I've never made that big a deal about my age except for when I turned 19, I thought I was old then. 21 of course, I can drink legally so that was exciting. But I'm going to be 25. I'm in my mid twenties. How did I get here? I thought I'd be further along in life, have stuff figured out, have my own place, maybe even have accomplished something worth talking about. But I'm 25, still single, no career, I'm back in college with a couple years ahead of me, and I still have insecurities and jealousy issues. I fluctuate with my weight when I always pictured myself as this sleek confident woman- I guess I forgot I was really short and really muscular with a layer of fat over everything. I look good, just I see where I could look better. And standing next to a gorgeous man who has no issues with weight makes me feel self conscious.

I thought about going to Vegas for a couple days, just packing up and flying away to a place I've never been just because I can. Only thing keeping me back was the fact I had no one to go with me.

There we come to what REALLY bugs me. I'm single.

I've always been single. I've dated a little bit- but mostly its turned out badly. Well, not always badly, just nothing coming from it. A lot of the time its been the guy who runs away, but I've had my fair share of non-interest in men who thought I was wonderful. I've been watching friends get in relationships, get married, have babies. And all the while I keep getting asked "so is there anyone in your life?" And I always have the same answer of- "No". I see it in a positive light from the sense of I don't have tons of baggage, no one has to deal with a crazy ex, and I don't have all the trouble of having to deal with heart breaks. Well, not really BAD heart breaks, since my heart has been broken before. But at the same time, I'm always alone, constant third or fifth wheel, and my bed is quite big and lonely.

I could make it on my own just fine. I have no doubt that I could handle my life in every way for a long time with no one to help me out. Problem is I just don't want to. Coming home to a quiet house sucks, going to bed alone all the time sucks, and having to cancel plans or not make plans because there is no one to come with me.

This is the one thing bugging me the most.

Heart

I had thought I was over him. Or maybe I just thought I could be over him. Not seeing someone for months will do that. So when I was to see him today I figured no big thing, he probably wouldn't really notice me anyway. But he did. He noticed and found me and hugged me and told me he missed me. Now my heart is run away again and he's all I can think about. I feel a sliver of hope that maybe, even some time in the future something could be. But I also feel an even bigger hopelessness at his inaction.

Change

Its crazy how one event can effect so many people so profoundly, even if that event is just your boss being transferred. 

I'm angry. I feel like my stability has just been snatched away from me. And like this place I've been in for over a year now, is suddenly no longer safe and I've got to watch my back. 

My attitude is horrible right now, and the only thing keeping me from flipping the bird and walking away now, is knowing that I'd really only be screwing myself over. Kind of like getting drunk and making out with a stranger to get back at your ex, really, he didn't get hurt, I did. It would be the same thing now if I were to quit, or suddenly drop my performance to less than admirable which is what it has been. But I feel like doing that. 

So off I go now, on the trek to find a new job. What a time to be doing so eh? But I trust that I will find a place that will fit with my life, and be better than this place ever was. 

Besides that, we are having a mutiny in my class. The teachers who don't teach, rather, who talk to us like we are kindergartners and expect us to respond and be enthusiastic about such treatment, are getting a letter, signed by the entire class, telling them we would like more challenge in the classroom, and to be talked to and taught like adults. I'm pretty nervous, wondering how this will go. This is the exact reason I don't sign petitions, I get too nervous its going to come back and bite me in the ass. But too late! My signature is on the letter. Let's hope no nasty repercussions come from this. 

Between Us

That phrase is SO loaded!!! 

Lets keep this between you and me. 

But because I'm curious, (and concerned once that comes up) I say yes, because yes, I can keep it to myself. I'm a good secret keeper. 

But I was NOT expecting THAT. 

Men

Why is it, that the best men in my life just aren't available? This great guy who is fantastic to spend time with, great conversation, we have TONS in common, just generally great, is going to take a vow of celibacy. 

Another guy, wonderful conversationalist as well. Thinks I'm fabulous, notices everything about me, so he gives great attention and compliments, I think his personality is wonderful, but he does nothing for me physically! 

The most attractive men in my life are wishywashy who won't commit to even a simple dinner at Chipotle, or don't admit to me for the year I've know him that he is married (which is still unconfirmed from him) but he flirts with me. 

Or the other married men who come into my store and seek me out but do nothing more than smile and flirt. Not that I want an affair, but why in the world do married men think I'm so wonderful and single men don't know I exist?! 

Bite me.

I'm SO glad that I try. Make plans, invite the people who claim to be a friend. And the only responses I get (which mounted up to TWO out of ten) are "NO". Its great. Here... Let me make plans after you continually tell me how much you miss me and want to see me, and talk to me and catch up when you don't even acknowledge the fact that I made the effort to make a plan to be with you! Kiss my ass!!! This makes it SO much easier to leave. Thank you so much for turning what I thought would be a hard change, into an easy one. Goodbye. 

Problem

I don't know what to do. You'd think in this situation it would be cut and dry, no debate or back and forth. But that's exactly what I'm doing. 

I try to justify it with, well I don't know the whole story. And: maybe he only wants to be friends and I'm the one reading into it. And even thinking up ways that this could even possibly be ok! All those sound good to me, and I can also justify myself by saying: well I just don't know what to say so until I figure it out then I'll address it, until then I'll just go along with it. How far am I willing to go before I say something? Am I trying to just satisfy myself ? 

But its SO not ok! Right? Why can't I convince myself this is wrong??? 

I mean, I KNOW its wrong, otherwise I wouldn't be so worried about it, but why isn't the fact of HOW wrong it is stop me from wanting it? I guess wanting it and acting on that want are two totally different things. Problem is... I don't know if I'd stop myself from acting on it if I got the chance... Oh help.

Tony

I miss Tony. 

No one gets it outside of my family. They're great, but I want my friends to understand.

Someone I love is in prison. He murdered someone and he's doing his time. I feel safer with a murderer as a friend than I do with a priest, or a youth pastor, because I know he is glad I exist and wants me to be around. Even if for now its only through letters. 

Its hard. And when I try to talk about it, they change the subject and act as if I wasn't even speaking about something that pierces me to the heart. 

I felt invisible on Sunday, and angry and hurt. I think my time there is over, but I don't know where else to go. And how can I explain to people who don't get it that they've hurt me so much I just want to leave it all behind? 

Breathe in and out and stop freaking out!!

I should live in the moment. Not be jumping ahead to a million different "what if's" because then I freak out and stop breathing right and I freak out more because suddenly I can't breathe and so just because he responded to a question I sent out DOES NOT mean anything other than a nice day of hiking and friendship will occur!!! 

Only

Sometimes I get tired of being the only one of things. Like the only single person in the room. The only childless person. The only 20-something. The only Christian. The only one who makes any sense. The only one... 

Stream of Consciousness.

I feel like I fell into an abyss this week. I've been totally un-social, except last night when I met two friends from work for a half hour dinner, one of which I won't see for over a year- or possibly ever again- after he goes into the Friary to become a Friar in the Catholic Church. Good for him! I'm super excited, he's found his calling in life and is following through on it. He's basically giving up all the fleshly comforts of life to follow what God has called him to. I have a HUGE respect for him, I couldn't do that right now, but it makes me sad too, to see him go. I haven't been outside of my work environment for the last two weeks it seems. Today was my first day off in weeks I think, if  not months. It was SO nice to not worry about anything except what I wanted to. My carpet is clean, I have new conditioner and I got out on the town for a bit, then stuck in a torrential downpour which was amazing. The storm today was fabulous. 

Now I'm resting, and waiting, trying to prepare for the weekend. I'm going to be a prayer minister at a conference at my church this weekend. And I feel so ill equipped. I haven't been praying well lately, and I'm scared I won't hear God for people when they come to me. Its not God I doubt, its ME. That, and I feel like a total failure right now, and like I should be MORE before I do this. I'm afraid I'll be found out as a fraud, though I don't know why anyone would think I'm a fraud. Ugh... just me and my thinking. I've been inside my own head too long. I'm starting to circle, I know I need people when I start circling. This is a good reason for me to get married. Someone to constatly keep me out of my own head. He's going to have to be strong as a freaking OX to handle me because I overwhelm myself- oh please let there be someone who can handle me. Being alone forever is a horrible thought. But with the scarcity of good men- I can't help being a bit pessimistic about this. I just recently got over someone I've been trying to get over for the last two years. It happened in a snap- its a relief to finally be free of those feelings. The date never called back, he texted me at 4:30AM to say good morning, but no calls. So I wasn't sold on him anyway, now he's pretty much done with. I don't care that he went out of town- its been two weeks and he hasn't called. I guess thats my limit- as with other guys when they hadn't called after two weeks it became clear they weren't interested- two weeks is my rule, no call in two weeks and I move on. 

I need to go to bed. The circles are getting annoying. 

Date

So I'll be going on my first date in 3 years tomorrow night. I'm crazy nervous. These are my current thoughts...

1) Oh God what am I going to wear.

2) What happens if I don't like him? I'm not good at letting people down unless I just avoid them until they get the clue but I realize that is rather immature and jerk-face, so I would prefer not to do that this time. I'll live if he doesn't like me, been there done that, I'll survive. 

3) Why am I assuming right off the bat that I won't like him/this won't work?

4) Do I actually like this guy? Not that I know him well enough yet- he was nice enough I guess. Maybe that's what dates are for... to find out if you actually do like someone. I just usually know that I like someone before I want to go on a date with him.

4b)I'm just thinking 1,754 steps ahead when I just need to get to bed, then wake up and go from there. 

5) Its kind of nice to finally have the upper hand. He's way more into me than I am him, I was basically indifferent to him calling, and so if he doesn't like me tomorrow I'll really be ok. 

6) I hope I have enough time to shower after work before the date. 

Going off the Deep End...?

I figured it out! 

I'm BORED!!! 

That's why I keep turning things down, and keeping to myself and doing all these things that I wouldn't usually do (The BolderBoulder and a triathalon, going out with random people I don't know well) Because I'm BORED with everything else! 

I don't want to go out with the people I see all the time because I know exactly what is waiting for me when I get there and I don't want to do that anymore! I want something new, doesn't even have to be exciting(exciting would be nice though)- but NEW and different than what my daily life has been for the last couple years. 

I'm not challenged enough so I do these things that are hard so I have some sort of challenge that I have to work for and its hard and might suck and hurt but its something to push for. 

It does however suck that I am so bored with people and life- not all people, and not all aspects of my life, but enough that I want to go somewhere else and meet new people for a while. 

I even started wondering if "going off the deep end" for a while wasn't such a bad thing. 

Don't know what would happen in my "deep end", but maybe my boredom will just help propel me into taking more risks and having more adventures. 

We'll see where all this goes- or if I'm just being crazy for a moment. 

Late Night

I'm just wide awake when I should be asleep. Not so wide awake as I can't get comfortable so I'm not falling asleep even though I'm tired. 

I volunteered myself to go into work tomorrow on my day off. Dumb from one angle seeing as I REALLY don't want to go. And smart from another angle that I will be making extra money which is what I need. But I'm still annoyed. And even considering looking for new employment. I'm not thrilled about my job, and not that I always will be about any other job. But I just feel like its not worth my level of exhaustion. Now that I'm promoted I'm constantly fighting with people- not like having an argument, but more like a battle of wills, thankfully I am very strong willed and don't back down. But I am getting tired! Its not difficult to just DO something so just DO IT!!!! It wasn't like this at first, every one was fine- but now that I've been an authority figure at work for a couple months the battles are starting and I am just getting beaten up by them! I won't of course let anyone at work know this, but geeze! 

And I've been acting strange lately. I hardly ever make plans anymore. I mostly just let things happen, and if someone wants to make plans I never commit until the last minute and with most people I back out and I'm driving myself crazy! I don't know why I'm doing this! I can't tell if its because I'm afraid something better will come along, or I'll be boring, or they'll be boring. Or in the case of work I don't want to get too close anymore because that makes me vulnerable and since I'm having a rough time at work I don't want to be vulnerable because that allows weakness and boy do I hate being weak! I don't even feel like being all that social either. I don't want to be alone- but on my days off all I want is to be alone. I'm a walking contradiction.

My friendships are changing and I don't like it. I'm not sure what they're changing into, or what will happen. I'm not even sure if some friendships are going to last much longer, if this is goodbye or the stepping stone to a better relationship in the long run. I'm just not sure where anything is headed with people in my life and I'm uneasy about it. I'd like a change and I'm sure I need one- but not such a turbulent one. Its late at night and now I've lost my sense. Good night. 

There Might Be A Light

I wait outside your house and sing below your window

And I look for the light to show... I know I know it will come on, come on, come on.... soon...

There is no delusion

To you I don't exist I am only shadow

Only a ghost to wait as long as I have for this

And I can't wait much longer....

There might be a light

Somewhere in your mind

When you think of you and I

I know there will be a light

It might not burn very strong

But I know its coming on

It will come on, come on, come on

-Jars of Clay-

A Lightbulb Goes On...

I loving having "AH-ha!" moments, and I had one tonight. Well- several contained within one subject- LOVE. I always wonder why no one is in love with me yet. I have it all: looks, humor, depth, faith and quirks. 

And I've been wondering a lot more lately why I feel far from God- and like I have to try to get him to love me.

I don't get how I can be loved unconditionally even when I'm screaming and swearing at the driver next to me on the highway while I have worship music playing, and wishing I could slam someone else's head against a wall over and over. I don't deserve it, in fact I feel deserve to be smitten even more than those I wish God would smite. (And wishing for a smite on someone isn't so good either)

Tonight I was reading Blue Like Jazz and the chapter was about love (go figure). Don wrote that people cannot have relationship with God, who is a being of love, if they think they themselves are unloveable. That was when the "AH!" happened.  

Don had my rapt attention now, I even leaned closer to the book as if that would help me soak up the words more. He said, "we learn we are loveable or unloveable from other people, which is why Jesus tells us so many times to love one another," "HA!"

Thats it!

I feel unloveable! There are the words I'd been looking for! 

Right after I read this I walked down 16th Street mall deep in thought- and when I got on the lightrail I smiled at a man through the window without hesitation and he smiled back. Because of the window that was between us I was able to do this. He didn't know my tummy pooches out when I sit because I'm a little chubby, or that I sweat abnormally, or that my breath at that moment smelled like Chipotle and Coke or that maybe I can be awkward and long winded. He only knew that I have a pretty face and a nice smile, none of the things I fear would make him not want to smile back at me, and would have kept my eyes downcast if he were to look at me. The glass between us kept me lovable to him in my mind. 

This astonished me, and got me thinking even more. 

My family is great. I know that they love me- there have been times of hurt, when I've wondered if they do- just like any family. But overall, I know in my heart that they do. So it hasn't come entirely from them. As my mind flowed through my life and the feelings I felt when I thought about if that man had been next to me on the lightrail, it brought me around to all my experiences with my friends, and others in all the churches I've attended. Through the years I've been purposely forgotten and left out of things, events and secrets. These experiences had me feeling that they really didn't want me around and so it was me, I was unloveable, though I never put those words to it, I would just wonder what was wrong with me. 

And now as an adult I've been experiencing those things. Its been really bothering me, more than I'm ok with, and I couldn't figure out why, but now I know. Being left out and forgotten on purpose by a specific group of people in my church brought these feelings to the surface again though very strongly. My friends at church have also poured salt into my wound. They have forgotten me on accident- and I thought if you truly loved someone like you said you did, you wouldn't forget them over and over. So this led me to further believe I am unloveable Even more than that, my friends seem to keep siding with the people who leave me out on purpose- telling me, "its not personal (when every person in my group except ME gets invited I take it personal) They don't mean it, they're just like that." (oh yeah, that makes me feel better. great people) and most recently "just get over it" Whoa! I was coming to you as a friend to let you know how I feel and my feelings get shoved aside? That makes one feel loved for sure. 

And no one is in love me with yet because of my belief that I am unloveable I don't allow anyone to get close enough to love me. Because I feel that if they really knew me, they would see how unloveable I am. Because that's what has been told me over and over and over my whole life. 

So it is people! It is that we need to love each other because as we are made in God's image we experience love through people and can further know God's love! We've been commanded to love because Jesus knew we'd need people to help us along! AND! As the church we should be loving everyone else! Just like the Bible also says we will be known by our love, right now we are known for our lack of love! The unconditional love that Jesus walked in on Earth is what brought people to Him, which is also why he commanded us to love, hate drives people away, love brings them in! Which is why no one comes to church because love is hard to find there! 

So, at this stage, I pray that love from people will come second to love from God in my heart. I pray that my view of myself- the fact that I truly am loved unconditionally by God will be what I stand on and what defines me rather than how people treat me. And through finally having that love embedded in my core- I can then love people the way I have been commanded. 

Day Off.

Today was my day off. The first I've had in a loooong time. I don't work 7 days a week, but the days I don't work I go to class, or I have church. And occasionally I have two things in a day, like working right before going to class, and working before I go to my volunteer work. So I never stop. And today I had nothing, not a single obligation in the world. I had planned on going to the Art Museum, to do homework, but also after that was done to just enjoy the works of art hanging there. But the Art Museum is closed only on Mondays. So my plans changed, no big thing. Now, I'd go pick up my BolderBoulder packet, buy my new running shoes so I can break them in, and get some new cute spring shirts. But that didn't happen either. Nope, my day consisted of sitting on my ass, staring at a computer screen taking care of financial aid, my resume, watching movies, and reading about Swine Flu (and being a semi-hypochondriac I was convinced for a while I had it). I never made it out of my house even though I had showered, done my hair and gotten cute to face the public. I had planned on going with my mom to do all these things. She put it off for an hour and claimed it would only be 20 minutes. Then as we were headed out she announced she had to be home at 3 because she had promised my little sister that should would accompany her to get her hair cut. It was 2:30. So it being pointless to leave just then she said we'd go out after she got back so I waited. She didn't get back till 5:30, when my other sister and her family arrived for dinner. So I asked my older sister if she would come with  me to get my things. She said yes too, and that never happened. Not her fault, when one has a screaming baby its hard to do anything. So basically my whole day was ruined. My one day off to do anything I wanted to and nothing happened. I could have gone by myself, but I am alone all the time, and today being along didn't sound appealing. Though I've been alone all day anyway, sitting in my room by myself. And the next two weeks to a month of my life will be totally consumed with work, school, and volunteer efforts, without a single day for me to do anything that I want to do just because. I hate it. I need a vacation, which won't happen because I can't afford to take any days off. I think I have to though, because I may lose it. 

RRRGGG

I don't care who you are. If you  make a mistake you need to fix it. And there is NO reason to get pissed off and make someone else feel stupid before making it their responsibility to fix your stupid mistake. 

Lame!!!

So, maybe I can be touchy, and take things a wee bit too personal sometimes when its really not. But today I'm annoyed and taking this personally because damit it made me angry. 

When a friend invites you somewhere, even if its just to visit them at their place of work don't go and make other plans to AVOID going to that place. Just say "No". And REALLY! What is more important?! A friend, or getting "all natural no preservatives organic food" (when said place of work SERVES THIS!!!!) when it doesn't matter what you put in your body ANYWAY because the Bible freaking says so and if you READ and BELIEVE the Bible like said friends do then EAT WHEREEVER YOU WANT AND GO SEE YOUR FRIEND WHO WANTED TO SEE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! GEEZE! LAME LAME LAME LAME LAME!! 

Once a month I get upset about being single. I noticed this pattern last month finally. Just one week out of every month I feel the weight of my status as single and really get annoyed by it. And it always seems that right in that one week, the one guy who I can't seem to get over, is always more attentive. Like today, he saw me standing alone, so he bee-lined it right to me. Thing is that he never does this. I could be standing alone waving at him and usually he walks right by. Not this week, this week he sees me and comes right to me with no encouragement from me. Only to leave my poor heart beating faster than it should yet completely unsatisfied with the thought and presence of him, yet the total confusion of whether or not he's noticed that I in fact melt at the very sight of him. Probably not. So I wonder why its so hard to get over him. If he doesn't notice me half the time, and the other half just confuses me by flirting and being great but then not following with anything. The book echos "He's just not that into you" But somehow I just don't buy it all the time. Then logic kicks in and says "duh, why has it been so long and you're still not with him?" UGH... 

Grrr...

I feel generally hostile right now. 

Freaking angry. 

Upset.

I've been clenching my jaw so long my teeth hurt. 

I wish hitting things was a good idea. 

I even wish hitting people was a good idea. 

That'd make me feel best. 

For now I'll just sleep. 

Strong Little Woman

I've had a hard time at work lately. Getting people to listen to me, do what I tell them, and trying not to give attitude back to the customers is rough. People are talking back lately, and today I was shoved around by some woman who doesn't want responsibility but can't stand that I was in charge. Physically shoved by the way, which made our times of getting customer's meals to them rather crappy, and I was confused because in her need to do my job she messed things up. When I was asked by my manager how lunch went, and how my line was, I told him if we had one less person it would have been fine, or if that extra person had been in one spot instead of jumping around trying to do everyone else's job it would have been fine. But no, it was stupid and busy and stupidly busy and I was so annoyed. 

My friend seems to think the reason so many people are giving me a hard time is because they don't expect someone like me, a short and rather small woman to have such a big personality. Nor are they able to push  me around, and the fact that I'm a woman just doesn't help either. So what am I to do? I'm about to be promoted but I can't get half my soon to be employees to actually listen to me. I guess they'll get hell for that when they won't listen to the "boss" or at least a superior. Which is annoying, and sometimes I don't feel its worth it, but then I remind myself I won't be here forever, and its just to get me through school. I can do this... I can do this... I can do this... 

Lent

I've been thinking about Lent a lot this past week. Its a tough thing to commit to. Its all about self-denial, fasting and prayer. So I was going over the things in my life that take up a lot of my day or thought process, and it came to, movies, computer time, reading, on school days I obsess over where to eat dinner, and lately I've taken to comforting myself in sweets, be it a few M&M's or a day of sweet snacking, if I'm stressed I dive for the closest thing that contains sugar. I read a note my friend Tom wrote about Lent, and it's really stuck with me. He talks about Lent being a time to bring balance back to your life, and man, have I ever been off balance lately. He also asks the question, "Will the world be a better place if you give up chocolate?" That question floored me. Because no, nothing will change in the world if I decide my sweets have to go.  No one will even be helped if I just give up my computer time or stop watching movies every night. This doesn't mean I shouldn't give up sweets, or my media time, not at all. That's a time of self denial and fasting for me. 

And I've been thinking about what I'd replace my media time with when I wind up having so much extra time in my day. I'd love to be able to say I'd spend more time with the Lord in prayer, and studying my Bible because that sounds good. But I'm not always the first one to jump into intense Bible reading. I love the Lord but that part is hard for me. I do the "popcorn" prayer thing a lot, so to devote myself to a solid time of prayer feels inconvenient to me. And wow do I hate to admit that. Which is why I've come to the conclusion that because these things feel like they'd be so hard to give up, and so hard to do that these are exactly the things I should be giving up and doing. Who knows what God will do with me once I choose to obey and follow him. So this time of Lent is looking to be a very challenging one for me, but I'm pretty excited about it. 

Pursuit

Its nice to be pursued. Its happened a couple times to me. I always managed to mess it up, but it was nice when it happened. But lately there hasn't been any pursuit, minus the annoying guy in class, but he's not even doing much besides being annoyingly present. As I asked my friends today if a guy could still be into me even if he never calls, they said he'd call, problem is that he never calls anyone not even his best friends. So that doesn't help. So then I asked how to get over him. Their advice, though good for sure, just won't work for me. "Stop seeing him. Don't talk to him, don't see him, or fall in love with someone else." Yeah,  that'd be great if my normal everyday life didn't include him. SO my option is to fall in love with someone else. There lies a problem-- big pond, few fish. I'd gladly fall in love and forget this guy(who is pretty great aside from the never calling thing) if there was anyone else to fall in love with. Granted, there is the one guy who is a possibility, but its been a few days and nothing yet. I need to learn patience. 

Not just with men. But people at work. I want to throttle some of them!!! I'm not saying this to be snooty, or mean, but I do things well and right a good 97% of the time.  So when I see people doing things wrong I can correct them, these people however just don't get it! "Oh yeah I was doing that." NO YOU WEREN'T!!!! THIS IS WHY I'M TELLING YOU HOW TO DO IT DUMMY!!!!!!  So they keep doing it WRONG and I'm losing my mind!!!!!!! I am getting promoted soon though, like hopefully within the month or next, so when that happens I can really crack down. When I'm an equal its no where near as effective as when I'm the supervisor and tell them to do something differently they actually have to do it or its not good for them :D I  can't wait for the power. 

I love sleep, and I hate it when my job gets in the way of that. Espcially when I haven't planned for it. Tomorrow I was expecting to sleep till at least 9, which sucks because I shouldn't even be working tomorrow, but 9 isn't bad. Then I get told I'm coming in at 7 instead to learn "prep" which is great, one step closer to becoming supervisor, but to go from 9 to 5:30 SUCKS!!! PLUS I have class tomorrow night until 10, I'm not a happy camper. I feel like swearing a lot. 

Love

It really sucks sometimes, this being single thing. I enjoy my independence, and my freedom and so on. But there are days when having someone next to me would be a welcome change. I've been single now for a good five years, with the occasional meaningless fling thrown in but never anything that wound up lasting. Lately though its just been annoying being alone. Everywhere I go it seems there are happy couples waiting for me to walk by. Both my sister and mom had been married for 3 years by the time they reached my age. They keep telling me "We were married too young. You're still young. Its not bad to be single, just be patient." Even though they keep telling me they were married too young, my parents have made it thirty-some years, and my sister and brother-in-law are very happily married. Yes, I am still young, but I've been young and hardly dating and only in one relationship which wasn't much of a relationship at all seeing as he cheated and got engaged right after we broke up. They have always had someone, while I have always been alone. So when I get frustrated, and even hopeless I feel like its a normal feeling to have. When I run into friends I haven't seen for years and we catch up, the question that always comes up after they spill all the details about their happy relationship with this amazing guy is, "so is there someone special in your life?" "Nope." "oh, any potential for anyone?" "Nope." I've had this conversation at least 3 times so far just THIS YEAR and its FEBRUARY. 

Then I watched the movie He's Just Not That into You, and it was great, I felt good afterwards like "YEAH! I don't have to waste my time on losers who don't really like me!!" Then the depression hit, "Damn it, there are a lot of guys who haven't been that into me! Why not?" SO my married male friend tells me its not me, its the guys, I'm just fine, and there is a guy out there who will finally be enough and be that into me. So that sounds great, I want to hear that. Pardon me for not quite believing it when I keep running across losers, cowards, lame asses, and liars and I'm 25 but can't even get asked out on a single freaking date! 

And online dating services are just allowing men to be cowards because they don't have to have the balls to go up to a girl and ask her out face to face and I refuse to use them. 

I've liked the same guy for like 6 years, and I'm sure nothing will ever come of it, though I don't know if its because "he's just not that into me" or because he's just a wee bit of a coward. 

There is a new guy who I could be interested in, but yet again, I just can't tell, and its annoying. 

I'd like to finally have someone take a chance on me. 

News

I was reading the news today about Ted Haggard, and all thats gone on with him over these last couple years. 9news has this thing where people can comment and so on, and I read them sometimes, which is always a bad idea because I walk away really angry each time. Today was no different. What Ted did was WRONG, no question, and lying made it worse. But these people who comment just to bash Christians make me angry. First of all, they are so stinking ignorant about anything Christian its ridiculous to read what they say because they have no clue! "Christians hate gays, they have such old views of the world, they need to update themselves. If they just embraced gays they would be so much better." Oh shut up! First off, Jesus commanded us to love, not just love straight people, or "good" people. No, he commanded us to love everyone. Gay, straight, good, bad, ugly, pretty. I fail at this daily, and so does everyone else because we are imperfect humans. Us Christians have given ourselves a bad name. With our wrong ways of teaching what Jesus preached, taking what He said and twisting it to fit our lives and agendas. Its wrong, and dirty, and does not bring anyone to know the love of Christ. The Bible does say homosexuality is wrong, scholars and theologians can debate this all they want, but its right there in the Bible plainly that it is sin. So is lust, and anger, and hate, and robbery, and murder, and lying. Its ranked right up there with all those other sins, and no sin is worse than another, its all sin. And just because someone is gay does not mean we should hate them, so in one respect they are right, we do need to embrace gays, because that's what we were commanded to do. That doesn't mean support their lifestyle, just like you wouldn't support a friend who is an alcoholic, but you love them all the same because of who they are, not what they do. So instead of hating the person, why don't we become more like our God and only hate the sin. Because God does  not hate "gays" or "fags" as all those so called Christians like to picket that He does. God loves each one of us, no matter what sin we do, he loves us, we are his children. And its about time we Christians started walking in Jesus footsteps and do what he commanded us, to love everyone.