Painting

Mom and Dad.

Acrylic on

Canvas

2011

Dimensions....

Wrong Road

I think I left part of me laying on that couch three years ago. And last night she found me, or I found her, and now I can't shake her off. I left her on the couch for a reason. I don't know what that reason was, and I don't think I even knew I left her there. But this feeling must have been why.

My life should have worked out differently. It should have progressed in some other way. I expected to be living somewhere else, with him, being happy. Instead I'm living by myself, hoping to afford a cat. I wonder if I missed the turn, or turned when I should have gone straight and now I'm lost, but everything is familiar. I don't remember missing a turn, or making a wrong turn. But I hope I find redemption along this road.

I'm moving out. I woke up this morning, decided it was time, went out and found an apartment. In less than two months I'm moving out and will be living by myself for at least a year. Wow. I never thought the day would come. But here it is. I'm excited like crazy, and also scared out of my mind.

Unrequited Love

Once again, I've fallen in love with someone who isn't retuning it. My heart is heavy, and feels like it could sink and fall out my toes. He says I'm "something else" and "intense". And I'm worried those are two reasons why I'm 25 and still single. I hope I can get over him soon. But as for now I'm pretty much in danger of feeling miserable for a while. I hope I don't botch this up.

Meeting

So I turned 25, my little sister got a boyfriend, and I freaked out. So in freaking out, I decided to get a tattoo, which I never got, another piercing, which I never got, a new truck, which I never got, and to join match.com, which I did.

I joined in a panic, and probably against my better judgement. But I joined. I had hoped it would have more... more. Its a plethera of men, all of which are lame, unattractive and very attentive, or ridiculously attractive and don't care at all about me. And me, with my shallow yet very honest voice, is wanting someone ridiculously attactive.

But I met one of the average guys last night, and he was nice, and paid for my dinner, and there was never a lull in the conversation, and yet... I was bored. He got passionate about things, which is more I can say for the last guy who took me out. In sounding picky, he was passionate about the wrong things.

I love Jesus, I just do. Its not going to change, and though I've been hurt and disappointed, and I'm angry, I want to attend church. He was burnt out. Which is totally understandable, and I get it. But I'd like someone to be willing to attend with me, and not expect the worst every time and be bitter and angry. It felt more like a buisness meeting, than a date.

Then, there are these guys who go on and on about Jesus, and how the girl they meet must be in love with Jesus too, and how their whole lives revolve around church and missions. I just wonder, do they do anything else? Is there a personality along with that ministry?

What I'm looking for is a good balance. Someone who loves Jesus, but has character and isn't angry and bitter.

And, after joining match.com, I have come to the solid conclusion that I want to meet a person in real life and not online.

25

I'm turning 25 in a couple days. I always make a big deal out of all my birthdays, I mean I was born! LOTS to celebrate! So I make a big deal, get dressed up, and make it an all out night for people to come and just have fun together. I've never made that big a deal about my age except for when I turned 19, I thought I was old then. 21 of course, I can drink legally so that was exciting. But I'm going to be 25. I'm in my mid twenties. How did I get here? I thought I'd be further along in life, have stuff figured out, have my own place, maybe even have accomplished something worth talking about. But I'm 25, still single, no career, I'm back in college with a couple years ahead of me, and I still have insecurities and jealousy issues. I fluctuate with my weight when I always pictured myself as this sleek confident woman- I guess I forgot I was really short and really muscular with a layer of fat over everything. I look good, just I see where I could look better. And standing next to a gorgeous man who has no issues with weight makes me feel self conscious.

I thought about going to Vegas for a couple days, just packing up and flying away to a place I've never been just because I can. Only thing keeping me back was the fact I had no one to go with me.

There we come to what REALLY bugs me. I'm single.

I've always been single. I've dated a little bit- but mostly its turned out badly. Well, not always badly, just nothing coming from it. A lot of the time its been the guy who runs away, but I've had my fair share of non-interest in men who thought I was wonderful. I've been watching friends get in relationships, get married, have babies. And all the while I keep getting asked "so is there anyone in your life?" And I always have the same answer of- "No". I see it in a positive light from the sense of I don't have tons of baggage, no one has to deal with a crazy ex, and I don't have all the trouble of having to deal with heart breaks. Well, not really BAD heart breaks, since my heart has been broken before. But at the same time, I'm always alone, constant third or fifth wheel, and my bed is quite big and lonely.

I could make it on my own just fine. I have no doubt that I could handle my life in every way for a long time with no one to help me out. Problem is I just don't want to. Coming home to a quiet house sucks, going to bed alone all the time sucks, and having to cancel plans or not make plans because there is no one to come with me.

This is the one thing bugging me the most.

Heart

I had thought I was over him. Or maybe I just thought I could be over him. Not seeing someone for months will do that. So when I was to see him today I figured no big thing, he probably wouldn't really notice me anyway. But he did. He noticed and found me and hugged me and told me he missed me. Now my heart is run away again and he's all I can think about. I feel a sliver of hope that maybe, even some time in the future something could be. But I also feel an even bigger hopelessness at his inaction.