I volunteered myself to go into work tomorrow on my day off. Dumb from one angle seeing as I REALLY don't want to go. And smart from another angle that I will be making extra money which is what I need. But I'm still annoyed. And even considering looking for new employment. I'm not thrilled about my job, and not that I always will be about any other job. But I just feel like its not worth my level of exhaustion. Now that I'm promoted I'm constantly fighting with people- not like having an argument, but more like a battle of wills, thankfully I am very strong willed and don't back down. But I am getting tired! Its not difficult to just DO something so just DO IT!!!! It wasn't like this at first, every one was fine- but now that I've been an authority figure at work for a couple months the battles are starting and I am just getting beaten up by them! I won't of course let anyone at work know this, but geeze!
And I've been acting strange lately. I hardly ever make plans anymore. I mostly just let things happen, and if someone wants to make plans I never commit until the last minute and with most people I back out and I'm driving myself crazy! I don't know why I'm doing this! I can't tell if its because I'm afraid something better will come along, or I'll be boring, or they'll be boring. Or in the case of work I don't want to get too close anymore because that makes me vulnerable and since I'm having a rough time at work I don't want to be vulnerable because that allows weakness and boy do I hate being weak! I don't even feel like being all that social either. I don't want to be alone- but on my days off all I want is to be alone. I'm a walking contradiction.
My friendships are changing and I don't like it. I'm not sure what they're changing into, or what will happen. I'm not even sure if some friendships are going to last much longer, if this is goodbye or the stepping stone to a better relationship in the long run. I'm just not sure where anything is headed with people in my life and I'm uneasy about it. I'd like a change and I'm sure I need one- but not such a turbulent one. Its late at night and now I've lost my sense. Good night.
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