Stream of Consciousness.

I feel like I fell into an abyss this week. I've been totally un-social, except last night when I met two friends from work for a half hour dinner, one of which I won't see for over a year- or possibly ever again- after he goes into the Friary to become a Friar in the Catholic Church. Good for him! I'm super excited, he's found his calling in life and is following through on it. He's basically giving up all the fleshly comforts of life to follow what God has called him to. I have a HUGE respect for him, I couldn't do that right now, but it makes me sad too, to see him go. I haven't been outside of my work environment for the last two weeks it seems. Today was my first day off in weeks I think, if  not months. It was SO nice to not worry about anything except what I wanted to. My carpet is clean, I have new conditioner and I got out on the town for a bit, then stuck in a torrential downpour which was amazing. The storm today was fabulous. 

Now I'm resting, and waiting, trying to prepare for the weekend. I'm going to be a prayer minister at a conference at my church this weekend. And I feel so ill equipped. I haven't been praying well lately, and I'm scared I won't hear God for people when they come to me. Its not God I doubt, its ME. That, and I feel like a total failure right now, and like I should be MORE before I do this. I'm afraid I'll be found out as a fraud, though I don't know why anyone would think I'm a fraud. Ugh... just me and my thinking. I've been inside my own head too long. I'm starting to circle, I know I need people when I start circling. This is a good reason for me to get married. Someone to constatly keep me out of my own head. He's going to have to be strong as a freaking OX to handle me because I overwhelm myself- oh please let there be someone who can handle me. Being alone forever is a horrible thought. But with the scarcity of good men- I can't help being a bit pessimistic about this. I just recently got over someone I've been trying to get over for the last two years. It happened in a snap- its a relief to finally be free of those feelings. The date never called back, he texted me at 4:30AM to say good morning, but no calls. So I wasn't sold on him anyway, now he's pretty much done with. I don't care that he went out of town- its been two weeks and he hasn't called. I guess thats my limit- as with other guys when they hadn't called after two weeks it became clear they weren't interested- two weeks is my rule, no call in two weeks and I move on. 

I need to go to bed. The circles are getting annoying. 

Date

So I'll be going on my first date in 3 years tomorrow night. I'm crazy nervous. These are my current thoughts...

1) Oh God what am I going to wear.

2) What happens if I don't like him? I'm not good at letting people down unless I just avoid them until they get the clue but I realize that is rather immature and jerk-face, so I would prefer not to do that this time. I'll live if he doesn't like me, been there done that, I'll survive. 

3) Why am I assuming right off the bat that I won't like him/this won't work?

4) Do I actually like this guy? Not that I know him well enough yet- he was nice enough I guess. Maybe that's what dates are for... to find out if you actually do like someone. I just usually know that I like someone before I want to go on a date with him.

4b)I'm just thinking 1,754 steps ahead when I just need to get to bed, then wake up and go from there. 

5) Its kind of nice to finally have the upper hand. He's way more into me than I am him, I was basically indifferent to him calling, and so if he doesn't like me tomorrow I'll really be ok. 

6) I hope I have enough time to shower after work before the date. 

Going off the Deep End...?

I figured it out! 

I'm BORED!!! 

That's why I keep turning things down, and keeping to myself and doing all these things that I wouldn't usually do (The BolderBoulder and a triathalon, going out with random people I don't know well) Because I'm BORED with everything else! 

I don't want to go out with the people I see all the time because I know exactly what is waiting for me when I get there and I don't want to do that anymore! I want something new, doesn't even have to be exciting(exciting would be nice though)- but NEW and different than what my daily life has been for the last couple years. 

I'm not challenged enough so I do these things that are hard so I have some sort of challenge that I have to work for and its hard and might suck and hurt but its something to push for. 

It does however suck that I am so bored with people and life- not all people, and not all aspects of my life, but enough that I want to go somewhere else and meet new people for a while. 

I even started wondering if "going off the deep end" for a while wasn't such a bad thing. 

Don't know what would happen in my "deep end", but maybe my boredom will just help propel me into taking more risks and having more adventures. 

We'll see where all this goes- or if I'm just being crazy for a moment. 

Late Night

I'm just wide awake when I should be asleep. Not so wide awake as I can't get comfortable so I'm not falling asleep even though I'm tired. 

I volunteered myself to go into work tomorrow on my day off. Dumb from one angle seeing as I REALLY don't want to go. And smart from another angle that I will be making extra money which is what I need. But I'm still annoyed. And even considering looking for new employment. I'm not thrilled about my job, and not that I always will be about any other job. But I just feel like its not worth my level of exhaustion. Now that I'm promoted I'm constantly fighting with people- not like having an argument, but more like a battle of wills, thankfully I am very strong willed and don't back down. But I am getting tired! Its not difficult to just DO something so just DO IT!!!! It wasn't like this at first, every one was fine- but now that I've been an authority figure at work for a couple months the battles are starting and I am just getting beaten up by them! I won't of course let anyone at work know this, but geeze! 

And I've been acting strange lately. I hardly ever make plans anymore. I mostly just let things happen, and if someone wants to make plans I never commit until the last minute and with most people I back out and I'm driving myself crazy! I don't know why I'm doing this! I can't tell if its because I'm afraid something better will come along, or I'll be boring, or they'll be boring. Or in the case of work I don't want to get too close anymore because that makes me vulnerable and since I'm having a rough time at work I don't want to be vulnerable because that allows weakness and boy do I hate being weak! I don't even feel like being all that social either. I don't want to be alone- but on my days off all I want is to be alone. I'm a walking contradiction.

My friendships are changing and I don't like it. I'm not sure what they're changing into, or what will happen. I'm not even sure if some friendships are going to last much longer, if this is goodbye or the stepping stone to a better relationship in the long run. I'm just not sure where anything is headed with people in my life and I'm uneasy about it. I'd like a change and I'm sure I need one- but not such a turbulent one. Its late at night and now I've lost my sense. Good night.