Strong Little Woman

I've had a hard time at work lately. Getting people to listen to me, do what I tell them, and trying not to give attitude back to the customers is rough. People are talking back lately, and today I was shoved around by some woman who doesn't want responsibility but can't stand that I was in charge. Physically shoved by the way, which made our times of getting customer's meals to them rather crappy, and I was confused because in her need to do my job she messed things up. When I was asked by my manager how lunch went, and how my line was, I told him if we had one less person it would have been fine, or if that extra person had been in one spot instead of jumping around trying to do everyone else's job it would have been fine. But no, it was stupid and busy and stupidly busy and I was so annoyed. 

My friend seems to think the reason so many people are giving me a hard time is because they don't expect someone like me, a short and rather small woman to have such a big personality. Nor are they able to push  me around, and the fact that I'm a woman just doesn't help either. So what am I to do? I'm about to be promoted but I can't get half my soon to be employees to actually listen to me. I guess they'll get hell for that when they won't listen to the "boss" or at least a superior. Which is annoying, and sometimes I don't feel its worth it, but then I remind myself I won't be here forever, and its just to get me through school. I can do this... I can do this... I can do this... 

Lent

I've been thinking about Lent a lot this past week. Its a tough thing to commit to. Its all about self-denial, fasting and prayer. So I was going over the things in my life that take up a lot of my day or thought process, and it came to, movies, computer time, reading, on school days I obsess over where to eat dinner, and lately I've taken to comforting myself in sweets, be it a few M&M's or a day of sweet snacking, if I'm stressed I dive for the closest thing that contains sugar. I read a note my friend Tom wrote about Lent, and it's really stuck with me. He talks about Lent being a time to bring balance back to your life, and man, have I ever been off balance lately. He also asks the question, "Will the world be a better place if you give up chocolate?" That question floored me. Because no, nothing will change in the world if I decide my sweets have to go.  No one will even be helped if I just give up my computer time or stop watching movies every night. This doesn't mean I shouldn't give up sweets, or my media time, not at all. That's a time of self denial and fasting for me. 

And I've been thinking about what I'd replace my media time with when I wind up having so much extra time in my day. I'd love to be able to say I'd spend more time with the Lord in prayer, and studying my Bible because that sounds good. But I'm not always the first one to jump into intense Bible reading. I love the Lord but that part is hard for me. I do the "popcorn" prayer thing a lot, so to devote myself to a solid time of prayer feels inconvenient to me. And wow do I hate to admit that. Which is why I've come to the conclusion that because these things feel like they'd be so hard to give up, and so hard to do that these are exactly the things I should be giving up and doing. Who knows what God will do with me once I choose to obey and follow him. So this time of Lent is looking to be a very challenging one for me, but I'm pretty excited about it. 

Pursuit

Its nice to be pursued. Its happened a couple times to me. I always managed to mess it up, but it was nice when it happened. But lately there hasn't been any pursuit, minus the annoying guy in class, but he's not even doing much besides being annoyingly present. As I asked my friends today if a guy could still be into me even if he never calls, they said he'd call, problem is that he never calls anyone not even his best friends. So that doesn't help. So then I asked how to get over him. Their advice, though good for sure, just won't work for me. "Stop seeing him. Don't talk to him, don't see him, or fall in love with someone else." Yeah,  that'd be great if my normal everyday life didn't include him. SO my option is to fall in love with someone else. There lies a problem-- big pond, few fish. I'd gladly fall in love and forget this guy(who is pretty great aside from the never calling thing) if there was anyone else to fall in love with. Granted, there is the one guy who is a possibility, but its been a few days and nothing yet. I need to learn patience. 

Not just with men. But people at work. I want to throttle some of them!!! I'm not saying this to be snooty, or mean, but I do things well and right a good 97% of the time.  So when I see people doing things wrong I can correct them, these people however just don't get it! "Oh yeah I was doing that." NO YOU WEREN'T!!!! THIS IS WHY I'M TELLING YOU HOW TO DO IT DUMMY!!!!!!  So they keep doing it WRONG and I'm losing my mind!!!!!!! I am getting promoted soon though, like hopefully within the month or next, so when that happens I can really crack down. When I'm an equal its no where near as effective as when I'm the supervisor and tell them to do something differently they actually have to do it or its not good for them :D I  can't wait for the power. 

I love sleep, and I hate it when my job gets in the way of that. Espcially when I haven't planned for it. Tomorrow I was expecting to sleep till at least 9, which sucks because I shouldn't even be working tomorrow, but 9 isn't bad. Then I get told I'm coming in at 7 instead to learn "prep" which is great, one step closer to becoming supervisor, but to go from 9 to 5:30 SUCKS!!! PLUS I have class tomorrow night until 10, I'm not a happy camper. I feel like swearing a lot. 

Love

It really sucks sometimes, this being single thing. I enjoy my independence, and my freedom and so on. But there are days when having someone next to me would be a welcome change. I've been single now for a good five years, with the occasional meaningless fling thrown in but never anything that wound up lasting. Lately though its just been annoying being alone. Everywhere I go it seems there are happy couples waiting for me to walk by. Both my sister and mom had been married for 3 years by the time they reached my age. They keep telling me "We were married too young. You're still young. Its not bad to be single, just be patient." Even though they keep telling me they were married too young, my parents have made it thirty-some years, and my sister and brother-in-law are very happily married. Yes, I am still young, but I've been young and hardly dating and only in one relationship which wasn't much of a relationship at all seeing as he cheated and got engaged right after we broke up. They have always had someone, while I have always been alone. So when I get frustrated, and even hopeless I feel like its a normal feeling to have. When I run into friends I haven't seen for years and we catch up, the question that always comes up after they spill all the details about their happy relationship with this amazing guy is, "so is there someone special in your life?" "Nope." "oh, any potential for anyone?" "Nope." I've had this conversation at least 3 times so far just THIS YEAR and its FEBRUARY. 

Then I watched the movie He's Just Not That into You, and it was great, I felt good afterwards like "YEAH! I don't have to waste my time on losers who don't really like me!!" Then the depression hit, "Damn it, there are a lot of guys who haven't been that into me! Why not?" SO my married male friend tells me its not me, its the guys, I'm just fine, and there is a guy out there who will finally be enough and be that into me. So that sounds great, I want to hear that. Pardon me for not quite believing it when I keep running across losers, cowards, lame asses, and liars and I'm 25 but can't even get asked out on a single freaking date! 

And online dating services are just allowing men to be cowards because they don't have to have the balls to go up to a girl and ask her out face to face and I refuse to use them. 

I've liked the same guy for like 6 years, and I'm sure nothing will ever come of it, though I don't know if its because "he's just not that into me" or because he's just a wee bit of a coward. 

There is a new guy who I could be interested in, but yet again, I just can't tell, and its annoying. 

I'd like to finally have someone take a chance on me.