Men

Why is it, that the best men in my life just aren't available? This great guy who is fantastic to spend time with, great conversation, we have TONS in common, just generally great, is going to take a vow of celibacy. 

Another guy, wonderful conversationalist as well. Thinks I'm fabulous, notices everything about me, so he gives great attention and compliments, I think his personality is wonderful, but he does nothing for me physically! 

The most attractive men in my life are wishywashy who won't commit to even a simple dinner at Chipotle, or don't admit to me for the year I've know him that he is married (which is still unconfirmed from him) but he flirts with me. 

Or the other married men who come into my store and seek me out but do nothing more than smile and flirt. Not that I want an affair, but why in the world do married men think I'm so wonderful and single men don't know I exist?! 

Bite me.

I'm SO glad that I try. Make plans, invite the people who claim to be a friend. And the only responses I get (which mounted up to TWO out of ten) are "NO". Its great. Here... Let me make plans after you continually tell me how much you miss me and want to see me, and talk to me and catch up when you don't even acknowledge the fact that I made the effort to make a plan to be with you! Kiss my ass!!! This makes it SO much easier to leave. Thank you so much for turning what I thought would be a hard change, into an easy one. Goodbye. 

Problem

I don't know what to do. You'd think in this situation it would be cut and dry, no debate or back and forth. But that's exactly what I'm doing. 

I try to justify it with, well I don't know the whole story. And: maybe he only wants to be friends and I'm the one reading into it. And even thinking up ways that this could even possibly be ok! All those sound good to me, and I can also justify myself by saying: well I just don't know what to say so until I figure it out then I'll address it, until then I'll just go along with it. How far am I willing to go before I say something? Am I trying to just satisfy myself ? 

But its SO not ok! Right? Why can't I convince myself this is wrong??? 

I mean, I KNOW its wrong, otherwise I wouldn't be so worried about it, but why isn't the fact of HOW wrong it is stop me from wanting it? I guess wanting it and acting on that want are two totally different things. Problem is... I don't know if I'd stop myself from acting on it if I got the chance... Oh help.

Tony

I miss Tony. 

No one gets it outside of my family. They're great, but I want my friends to understand.

Someone I love is in prison. He murdered someone and he's doing his time. I feel safer with a murderer as a friend than I do with a priest, or a youth pastor, because I know he is glad I exist and wants me to be around. Even if for now its only through letters. 

Its hard. And when I try to talk about it, they change the subject and act as if I wasn't even speaking about something that pierces me to the heart. 

I felt invisible on Sunday, and angry and hurt. I think my time there is over, but I don't know where else to go. And how can I explain to people who don't get it that they've hurt me so much I just want to leave it all behind? 

Breathe in and out and stop freaking out!!

I should live in the moment. Not be jumping ahead to a million different "what if's" because then I freak out and stop breathing right and I freak out more because suddenly I can't breathe and so just because he responded to a question I sent out DOES NOT mean anything other than a nice day of hiking and friendship will occur!!! 

Only

Sometimes I get tired of being the only one of things. Like the only single person in the room. The only childless person. The only 20-something. The only Christian. The only one who makes any sense. The only one... 

Stream of Consciousness.

I feel like I fell into an abyss this week. I've been totally un-social, except last night when I met two friends from work for a half hour dinner, one of which I won't see for over a year- or possibly ever again- after he goes into the Friary to become a Friar in the Catholic Church. Good for him! I'm super excited, he's found his calling in life and is following through on it. He's basically giving up all the fleshly comforts of life to follow what God has called him to. I have a HUGE respect for him, I couldn't do that right now, but it makes me sad too, to see him go. I haven't been outside of my work environment for the last two weeks it seems. Today was my first day off in weeks I think, if  not months. It was SO nice to not worry about anything except what I wanted to. My carpet is clean, I have new conditioner and I got out on the town for a bit, then stuck in a torrential downpour which was amazing. The storm today was fabulous. 

Now I'm resting, and waiting, trying to prepare for the weekend. I'm going to be a prayer minister at a conference at my church this weekend. And I feel so ill equipped. I haven't been praying well lately, and I'm scared I won't hear God for people when they come to me. Its not God I doubt, its ME. That, and I feel like a total failure right now, and like I should be MORE before I do this. I'm afraid I'll be found out as a fraud, though I don't know why anyone would think I'm a fraud. Ugh... just me and my thinking. I've been inside my own head too long. I'm starting to circle, I know I need people when I start circling. This is a good reason for me to get married. Someone to constatly keep me out of my own head. He's going to have to be strong as a freaking OX to handle me because I overwhelm myself- oh please let there be someone who can handle me. Being alone forever is a horrible thought. But with the scarcity of good men- I can't help being a bit pessimistic about this. I just recently got over someone I've been trying to get over for the last two years. It happened in a snap- its a relief to finally be free of those feelings. The date never called back, he texted me at 4:30AM to say good morning, but no calls. So I wasn't sold on him anyway, now he's pretty much done with. I don't care that he went out of town- its been two weeks and he hasn't called. I guess thats my limit- as with other guys when they hadn't called after two weeks it became clear they weren't interested- two weeks is my rule, no call in two weeks and I move on. 

I need to go to bed. The circles are getting annoying.