Stream of Consciousness.

I feel like I fell into an abyss this week. I've been totally un-social, except last night when I met two friends from work for a half hour dinner, one of which I won't see for over a year- or possibly ever again- after he goes into the Friary to become a Friar in the Catholic Church. Good for him! I'm super excited, he's found his calling in life and is following through on it. He's basically giving up all the fleshly comforts of life to follow what God has called him to. I have a HUGE respect for him, I couldn't do that right now, but it makes me sad too, to see him go. I haven't been outside of my work environment for the last two weeks it seems. Today was my first day off in weeks I think, if  not months. It was SO nice to not worry about anything except what I wanted to. My carpet is clean, I have new conditioner and I got out on the town for a bit, then stuck in a torrential downpour which was amazing. The storm today was fabulous. 

Now I'm resting, and waiting, trying to prepare for the weekend. I'm going to be a prayer minister at a conference at my church this weekend. And I feel so ill equipped. I haven't been praying well lately, and I'm scared I won't hear God for people when they come to me. Its not God I doubt, its ME. That, and I feel like a total failure right now, and like I should be MORE before I do this. I'm afraid I'll be found out as a fraud, though I don't know why anyone would think I'm a fraud. Ugh... just me and my thinking. I've been inside my own head too long. I'm starting to circle, I know I need people when I start circling. This is a good reason for me to get married. Someone to constatly keep me out of my own head. He's going to have to be strong as a freaking OX to handle me because I overwhelm myself- oh please let there be someone who can handle me. Being alone forever is a horrible thought. But with the scarcity of good men- I can't help being a bit pessimistic about this. I just recently got over someone I've been trying to get over for the last two years. It happened in a snap- its a relief to finally be free of those feelings. The date never called back, he texted me at 4:30AM to say good morning, but no calls. So I wasn't sold on him anyway, now he's pretty much done with. I don't care that he went out of town- its been two weeks and he hasn't called. I guess thats my limit- as with other guys when they hadn't called after two weeks it became clear they weren't interested- two weeks is my rule, no call in two weeks and I move on. 

I need to go to bed. The circles are getting annoying. 

Date

So I'll be going on my first date in 3 years tomorrow night. I'm crazy nervous. These are my current thoughts...

1) Oh God what am I going to wear.

2) What happens if I don't like him? I'm not good at letting people down unless I just avoid them until they get the clue but I realize that is rather immature and jerk-face, so I would prefer not to do that this time. I'll live if he doesn't like me, been there done that, I'll survive. 

3) Why am I assuming right off the bat that I won't like him/this won't work?

4) Do I actually like this guy? Not that I know him well enough yet- he was nice enough I guess. Maybe that's what dates are for... to find out if you actually do like someone. I just usually know that I like someone before I want to go on a date with him.

4b)I'm just thinking 1,754 steps ahead when I just need to get to bed, then wake up and go from there. 

5) Its kind of nice to finally have the upper hand. He's way more into me than I am him, I was basically indifferent to him calling, and so if he doesn't like me tomorrow I'll really be ok. 

6) I hope I have enough time to shower after work before the date. 

Going off the Deep End...?

I figured it out! 

I'm BORED!!! 

That's why I keep turning things down, and keeping to myself and doing all these things that I wouldn't usually do (The BolderBoulder and a triathalon, going out with random people I don't know well) Because I'm BORED with everything else! 

I don't want to go out with the people I see all the time because I know exactly what is waiting for me when I get there and I don't want to do that anymore! I want something new, doesn't even have to be exciting(exciting would be nice though)- but NEW and different than what my daily life has been for the last couple years. 

I'm not challenged enough so I do these things that are hard so I have some sort of challenge that I have to work for and its hard and might suck and hurt but its something to push for. 

It does however suck that I am so bored with people and life- not all people, and not all aspects of my life, but enough that I want to go somewhere else and meet new people for a while. 

I even started wondering if "going off the deep end" for a while wasn't such a bad thing. 

Don't know what would happen in my "deep end", but maybe my boredom will just help propel me into taking more risks and having more adventures. 

We'll see where all this goes- or if I'm just being crazy for a moment. 

Late Night

I'm just wide awake when I should be asleep. Not so wide awake as I can't get comfortable so I'm not falling asleep even though I'm tired. 

I volunteered myself to go into work tomorrow on my day off. Dumb from one angle seeing as I REALLY don't want to go. And smart from another angle that I will be making extra money which is what I need. But I'm still annoyed. And even considering looking for new employment. I'm not thrilled about my job, and not that I always will be about any other job. But I just feel like its not worth my level of exhaustion. Now that I'm promoted I'm constantly fighting with people- not like having an argument, but more like a battle of wills, thankfully I am very strong willed and don't back down. But I am getting tired! Its not difficult to just DO something so just DO IT!!!! It wasn't like this at first, every one was fine- but now that I've been an authority figure at work for a couple months the battles are starting and I am just getting beaten up by them! I won't of course let anyone at work know this, but geeze! 

And I've been acting strange lately. I hardly ever make plans anymore. I mostly just let things happen, and if someone wants to make plans I never commit until the last minute and with most people I back out and I'm driving myself crazy! I don't know why I'm doing this! I can't tell if its because I'm afraid something better will come along, or I'll be boring, or they'll be boring. Or in the case of work I don't want to get too close anymore because that makes me vulnerable and since I'm having a rough time at work I don't want to be vulnerable because that allows weakness and boy do I hate being weak! I don't even feel like being all that social either. I don't want to be alone- but on my days off all I want is to be alone. I'm a walking contradiction.

My friendships are changing and I don't like it. I'm not sure what they're changing into, or what will happen. I'm not even sure if some friendships are going to last much longer, if this is goodbye or the stepping stone to a better relationship in the long run. I'm just not sure where anything is headed with people in my life and I'm uneasy about it. I'd like a change and I'm sure I need one- but not such a turbulent one. Its late at night and now I've lost my sense. Good night. 

There Might Be A Light

I wait outside your house and sing below your window

And I look for the light to show... I know I know it will come on, come on, come on.... soon...

There is no delusion

To you I don't exist I am only shadow

Only a ghost to wait as long as I have for this

And I can't wait much longer....

There might be a light

Somewhere in your mind

When you think of you and I

I know there will be a light

It might not burn very strong

But I know its coming on

It will come on, come on, come on

-Jars of Clay-

A Lightbulb Goes On...

I loving having "AH-ha!" moments, and I had one tonight. Well- several contained within one subject- LOVE. I always wonder why no one is in love with me yet. I have it all: looks, humor, depth, faith and quirks. 

And I've been wondering a lot more lately why I feel far from God- and like I have to try to get him to love me.

I don't get how I can be loved unconditionally even when I'm screaming and swearing at the driver next to me on the highway while I have worship music playing, and wishing I could slam someone else's head against a wall over and over. I don't deserve it, in fact I feel deserve to be smitten even more than those I wish God would smite. (And wishing for a smite on someone isn't so good either)

Tonight I was reading Blue Like Jazz and the chapter was about love (go figure). Don wrote that people cannot have relationship with God, who is a being of love, if they think they themselves are unloveable. That was when the "AH!" happened.  

Don had my rapt attention now, I even leaned closer to the book as if that would help me soak up the words more. He said, "we learn we are loveable or unloveable from other people, which is why Jesus tells us so many times to love one another," "HA!"

Thats it!

I feel unloveable! There are the words I'd been looking for! 

Right after I read this I walked down 16th Street mall deep in thought- and when I got on the lightrail I smiled at a man through the window without hesitation and he smiled back. Because of the window that was between us I was able to do this. He didn't know my tummy pooches out when I sit because I'm a little chubby, or that I sweat abnormally, or that my breath at that moment smelled like Chipotle and Coke or that maybe I can be awkward and long winded. He only knew that I have a pretty face and a nice smile, none of the things I fear would make him not want to smile back at me, and would have kept my eyes downcast if he were to look at me. The glass between us kept me lovable to him in my mind. 

This astonished me, and got me thinking even more. 

My family is great. I know that they love me- there have been times of hurt, when I've wondered if they do- just like any family. But overall, I know in my heart that they do. So it hasn't come entirely from them. As my mind flowed through my life and the feelings I felt when I thought about if that man had been next to me on the lightrail, it brought me around to all my experiences with my friends, and others in all the churches I've attended. Through the years I've been purposely forgotten and left out of things, events and secrets. These experiences had me feeling that they really didn't want me around and so it was me, I was unloveable, though I never put those words to it, I would just wonder what was wrong with me. 

And now as an adult I've been experiencing those things. Its been really bothering me, more than I'm ok with, and I couldn't figure out why, but now I know. Being left out and forgotten on purpose by a specific group of people in my church brought these feelings to the surface again though very strongly. My friends at church have also poured salt into my wound. They have forgotten me on accident- and I thought if you truly loved someone like you said you did, you wouldn't forget them over and over. So this led me to further believe I am unloveable Even more than that, my friends seem to keep siding with the people who leave me out on purpose- telling me, "its not personal (when every person in my group except ME gets invited I take it personal) They don't mean it, they're just like that." (oh yeah, that makes me feel better. great people) and most recently "just get over it" Whoa! I was coming to you as a friend to let you know how I feel and my feelings get shoved aside? That makes one feel loved for sure. 

And no one is in love me with yet because of my belief that I am unloveable I don't allow anyone to get close enough to love me. Because I feel that if they really knew me, they would see how unloveable I am. Because that's what has been told me over and over and over my whole life. 

So it is people! It is that we need to love each other because as we are made in God's image we experience love through people and can further know God's love! We've been commanded to love because Jesus knew we'd need people to help us along! AND! As the church we should be loving everyone else! Just like the Bible also says we will be known by our love, right now we are known for our lack of love! The unconditional love that Jesus walked in on Earth is what brought people to Him, which is also why he commanded us to love, hate drives people away, love brings them in! Which is why no one comes to church because love is hard to find there! 

So, at this stage, I pray that love from people will come second to love from God in my heart. I pray that my view of myself- the fact that I truly am loved unconditionally by God will be what I stand on and what defines me rather than how people treat me. And through finally having that love embedded in my core- I can then love people the way I have been commanded. 

Day Off.

Today was my day off. The first I've had in a loooong time. I don't work 7 days a week, but the days I don't work I go to class, or I have church. And occasionally I have two things in a day, like working right before going to class, and working before I go to my volunteer work. So I never stop. And today I had nothing, not a single obligation in the world. I had planned on going to the Art Museum, to do homework, but also after that was done to just enjoy the works of art hanging there. But the Art Museum is closed only on Mondays. So my plans changed, no big thing. Now, I'd go pick up my BolderBoulder packet, buy my new running shoes so I can break them in, and get some new cute spring shirts. But that didn't happen either. Nope, my day consisted of sitting on my ass, staring at a computer screen taking care of financial aid, my resume, watching movies, and reading about Swine Flu (and being a semi-hypochondriac I was convinced for a while I had it). I never made it out of my house even though I had showered, done my hair and gotten cute to face the public. I had planned on going with my mom to do all these things. She put it off for an hour and claimed it would only be 20 minutes. Then as we were headed out she announced she had to be home at 3 because she had promised my little sister that should would accompany her to get her hair cut. It was 2:30. So it being pointless to leave just then she said we'd go out after she got back so I waited. She didn't get back till 5:30, when my other sister and her family arrived for dinner. So I asked my older sister if she would come with  me to get my things. She said yes too, and that never happened. Not her fault, when one has a screaming baby its hard to do anything. So basically my whole day was ruined. My one day off to do anything I wanted to and nothing happened. I could have gone by myself, but I am alone all the time, and today being along didn't sound appealing. Though I've been alone all day anyway, sitting in my room by myself. And the next two weeks to a month of my life will be totally consumed with work, school, and volunteer efforts, without a single day for me to do anything that I want to do just because. I hate it. I need a vacation, which won't happen because I can't afford to take any days off. I think I have to though, because I may lose it.