25

I'm turning 25 in a couple days. I always make a big deal out of all my birthdays, I mean I was born! LOTS to celebrate! So I make a big deal, get dressed up, and make it an all out night for people to come and just have fun together. I've never made that big a deal about my age except for when I turned 19, I thought I was old then. 21 of course, I can drink legally so that was exciting. But I'm going to be 25. I'm in my mid twenties. How did I get here? I thought I'd be further along in life, have stuff figured out, have my own place, maybe even have accomplished something worth talking about. But I'm 25, still single, no career, I'm back in college with a couple years ahead of me, and I still have insecurities and jealousy issues. I fluctuate with my weight when I always pictured myself as this sleek confident woman- I guess I forgot I was really short and really muscular with a layer of fat over everything. I look good, just I see where I could look better. And standing next to a gorgeous man who has no issues with weight makes me feel self conscious.

I thought about going to Vegas for a couple days, just packing up and flying away to a place I've never been just because I can. Only thing keeping me back was the fact I had no one to go with me.

There we come to what REALLY bugs me. I'm single.

I've always been single. I've dated a little bit- but mostly its turned out badly. Well, not always badly, just nothing coming from it. A lot of the time its been the guy who runs away, but I've had my fair share of non-interest in men who thought I was wonderful. I've been watching friends get in relationships, get married, have babies. And all the while I keep getting asked "so is there anyone in your life?" And I always have the same answer of- "No". I see it in a positive light from the sense of I don't have tons of baggage, no one has to deal with a crazy ex, and I don't have all the trouble of having to deal with heart breaks. Well, not really BAD heart breaks, since my heart has been broken before. But at the same time, I'm always alone, constant third or fifth wheel, and my bed is quite big and lonely.

I could make it on my own just fine. I have no doubt that I could handle my life in every way for a long time with no one to help me out. Problem is I just don't want to. Coming home to a quiet house sucks, going to bed alone all the time sucks, and having to cancel plans or not make plans because there is no one to come with me.

This is the one thing bugging me the most.

Heart

I had thought I was over him. Or maybe I just thought I could be over him. Not seeing someone for months will do that. So when I was to see him today I figured no big thing, he probably wouldn't really notice me anyway. But he did. He noticed and found me and hugged me and told me he missed me. Now my heart is run away again and he's all I can think about. I feel a sliver of hope that maybe, even some time in the future something could be. But I also feel an even bigger hopelessness at his inaction.

Change

Its crazy how one event can effect so many people so profoundly, even if that event is just your boss being transferred. 

I'm angry. I feel like my stability has just been snatched away from me. And like this place I've been in for over a year now, is suddenly no longer safe and I've got to watch my back. 

My attitude is horrible right now, and the only thing keeping me from flipping the bird and walking away now, is knowing that I'd really only be screwing myself over. Kind of like getting drunk and making out with a stranger to get back at your ex, really, he didn't get hurt, I did. It would be the same thing now if I were to quit, or suddenly drop my performance to less than admirable which is what it has been. But I feel like doing that. 

So off I go now, on the trek to find a new job. What a time to be doing so eh? But I trust that I will find a place that will fit with my life, and be better than this place ever was. 

Besides that, we are having a mutiny in my class. The teachers who don't teach, rather, who talk to us like we are kindergartners and expect us to respond and be enthusiastic about such treatment, are getting a letter, signed by the entire class, telling them we would like more challenge in the classroom, and to be talked to and taught like adults. I'm pretty nervous, wondering how this will go. This is the exact reason I don't sign petitions, I get too nervous its going to come back and bite me in the ass. But too late! My signature is on the letter. Let's hope no nasty repercussions come from this. 

Between Us

That phrase is SO loaded!!! 

Lets keep this between you and me. 

But because I'm curious, (and concerned once that comes up) I say yes, because yes, I can keep it to myself. I'm a good secret keeper. 

But I was NOT expecting THAT. 

Men

Why is it, that the best men in my life just aren't available? This great guy who is fantastic to spend time with, great conversation, we have TONS in common, just generally great, is going to take a vow of celibacy. 

Another guy, wonderful conversationalist as well. Thinks I'm fabulous, notices everything about me, so he gives great attention and compliments, I think his personality is wonderful, but he does nothing for me physically! 

The most attractive men in my life are wishywashy who won't commit to even a simple dinner at Chipotle, or don't admit to me for the year I've know him that he is married (which is still unconfirmed from him) but he flirts with me. 

Or the other married men who come into my store and seek me out but do nothing more than smile and flirt. Not that I want an affair, but why in the world do married men think I'm so wonderful and single men don't know I exist?! 

Bite me.

I'm SO glad that I try. Make plans, invite the people who claim to be a friend. And the only responses I get (which mounted up to TWO out of ten) are "NO". Its great. Here... Let me make plans after you continually tell me how much you miss me and want to see me, and talk to me and catch up when you don't even acknowledge the fact that I made the effort to make a plan to be with you! Kiss my ass!!! This makes it SO much easier to leave. Thank you so much for turning what I thought would be a hard change, into an easy one. Goodbye. 

Problem

I don't know what to do. You'd think in this situation it would be cut and dry, no debate or back and forth. But that's exactly what I'm doing. 

I try to justify it with, well I don't know the whole story. And: maybe he only wants to be friends and I'm the one reading into it. And even thinking up ways that this could even possibly be ok! All those sound good to me, and I can also justify myself by saying: well I just don't know what to say so until I figure it out then I'll address it, until then I'll just go along with it. How far am I willing to go before I say something? Am I trying to just satisfy myself ? 

But its SO not ok! Right? Why can't I convince myself this is wrong??? 

I mean, I KNOW its wrong, otherwise I wouldn't be so worried about it, but why isn't the fact of HOW wrong it is stop me from wanting it? I guess wanting it and acting on that want are two totally different things. Problem is... I don't know if I'd stop myself from acting on it if I got the chance... Oh help.