Change

Its crazy how one event can effect so many people so profoundly, even if that event is just your boss being transferred. 

I'm angry. I feel like my stability has just been snatched away from me. And like this place I've been in for over a year now, is suddenly no longer safe and I've got to watch my back. 

My attitude is horrible right now, and the only thing keeping me from flipping the bird and walking away now, is knowing that I'd really only be screwing myself over. Kind of like getting drunk and making out with a stranger to get back at your ex, really, he didn't get hurt, I did. It would be the same thing now if I were to quit, or suddenly drop my performance to less than admirable which is what it has been. But I feel like doing that. 

So off I go now, on the trek to find a new job. What a time to be doing so eh? But I trust that I will find a place that will fit with my life, and be better than this place ever was. 

Besides that, we are having a mutiny in my class. The teachers who don't teach, rather, who talk to us like we are kindergartners and expect us to respond and be enthusiastic about such treatment, are getting a letter, signed by the entire class, telling them we would like more challenge in the classroom, and to be talked to and taught like adults. I'm pretty nervous, wondering how this will go. This is the exact reason I don't sign petitions, I get too nervous its going to come back and bite me in the ass. But too late! My signature is on the letter. Let's hope no nasty repercussions come from this. 

Between Us

That phrase is SO loaded!!! 

Lets keep this between you and me. 

But because I'm curious, (and concerned once that comes up) I say yes, because yes, I can keep it to myself. I'm a good secret keeper. 

But I was NOT expecting THAT. 

Men

Why is it, that the best men in my life just aren't available? This great guy who is fantastic to spend time with, great conversation, we have TONS in common, just generally great, is going to take a vow of celibacy. 

Another guy, wonderful conversationalist as well. Thinks I'm fabulous, notices everything about me, so he gives great attention and compliments, I think his personality is wonderful, but he does nothing for me physically! 

The most attractive men in my life are wishywashy who won't commit to even a simple dinner at Chipotle, or don't admit to me for the year I've know him that he is married (which is still unconfirmed from him) but he flirts with me. 

Or the other married men who come into my store and seek me out but do nothing more than smile and flirt. Not that I want an affair, but why in the world do married men think I'm so wonderful and single men don't know I exist?! 

Bite me.

I'm SO glad that I try. Make plans, invite the people who claim to be a friend. And the only responses I get (which mounted up to TWO out of ten) are "NO". Its great. Here... Let me make plans after you continually tell me how much you miss me and want to see me, and talk to me and catch up when you don't even acknowledge the fact that I made the effort to make a plan to be with you! Kiss my ass!!! This makes it SO much easier to leave. Thank you so much for turning what I thought would be a hard change, into an easy one. Goodbye. 

Problem

I don't know what to do. You'd think in this situation it would be cut and dry, no debate or back and forth. But that's exactly what I'm doing. 

I try to justify it with, well I don't know the whole story. And: maybe he only wants to be friends and I'm the one reading into it. And even thinking up ways that this could even possibly be ok! All those sound good to me, and I can also justify myself by saying: well I just don't know what to say so until I figure it out then I'll address it, until then I'll just go along with it. How far am I willing to go before I say something? Am I trying to just satisfy myself ? 

But its SO not ok! Right? Why can't I convince myself this is wrong??? 

I mean, I KNOW its wrong, otherwise I wouldn't be so worried about it, but why isn't the fact of HOW wrong it is stop me from wanting it? I guess wanting it and acting on that want are two totally different things. Problem is... I don't know if I'd stop myself from acting on it if I got the chance... Oh help.

Tony

I miss Tony. 

No one gets it outside of my family. They're great, but I want my friends to understand.

Someone I love is in prison. He murdered someone and he's doing his time. I feel safer with a murderer as a friend than I do with a priest, or a youth pastor, because I know he is glad I exist and wants me to be around. Even if for now its only through letters. 

Its hard. And when I try to talk about it, they change the subject and act as if I wasn't even speaking about something that pierces me to the heart. 

I felt invisible on Sunday, and angry and hurt. I think my time there is over, but I don't know where else to go. And how can I explain to people who don't get it that they've hurt me so much I just want to leave it all behind? 

Breathe in and out and stop freaking out!!

I should live in the moment. Not be jumping ahead to a million different "what if's" because then I freak out and stop breathing right and I freak out more because suddenly I can't breathe and so just because he responded to a question I sent out DOES NOT mean anything other than a nice day of hiking and friendship will occur!!!