There Might Be A Light

I wait outside your house and sing below your window

And I look for the light to show... I know I know it will come on, come on, come on.... soon...

There is no delusion

To you I don't exist I am only shadow

Only a ghost to wait as long as I have for this

And I can't wait much longer....

There might be a light

Somewhere in your mind

When you think of you and I

I know there will be a light

It might not burn very strong

But I know its coming on

It will come on, come on, come on

-Jars of Clay-

A Lightbulb Goes On...

I loving having "AH-ha!" moments, and I had one tonight. Well- several contained within one subject- LOVE. I always wonder why no one is in love with me yet. I have it all: looks, humor, depth, faith and quirks. 

And I've been wondering a lot more lately why I feel far from God- and like I have to try to get him to love me.

I don't get how I can be loved unconditionally even when I'm screaming and swearing at the driver next to me on the highway while I have worship music playing, and wishing I could slam someone else's head against a wall over and over. I don't deserve it, in fact I feel deserve to be smitten even more than those I wish God would smite. (And wishing for a smite on someone isn't so good either)

Tonight I was reading Blue Like Jazz and the chapter was about love (go figure). Don wrote that people cannot have relationship with God, who is a being of love, if they think they themselves are unloveable. That was when the "AH!" happened.  

Don had my rapt attention now, I even leaned closer to the book as if that would help me soak up the words more. He said, "we learn we are loveable or unloveable from other people, which is why Jesus tells us so many times to love one another," "HA!"

Thats it!

I feel unloveable! There are the words I'd been looking for! 

Right after I read this I walked down 16th Street mall deep in thought- and when I got on the lightrail I smiled at a man through the window without hesitation and he smiled back. Because of the window that was between us I was able to do this. He didn't know my tummy pooches out when I sit because I'm a little chubby, or that I sweat abnormally, or that my breath at that moment smelled like Chipotle and Coke or that maybe I can be awkward and long winded. He only knew that I have a pretty face and a nice smile, none of the things I fear would make him not want to smile back at me, and would have kept my eyes downcast if he were to look at me. The glass between us kept me lovable to him in my mind. 

This astonished me, and got me thinking even more. 

My family is great. I know that they love me- there have been times of hurt, when I've wondered if they do- just like any family. But overall, I know in my heart that they do. So it hasn't come entirely from them. As my mind flowed through my life and the feelings I felt when I thought about if that man had been next to me on the lightrail, it brought me around to all my experiences with my friends, and others in all the churches I've attended. Through the years I've been purposely forgotten and left out of things, events and secrets. These experiences had me feeling that they really didn't want me around and so it was me, I was unloveable, though I never put those words to it, I would just wonder what was wrong with me. 

And now as an adult I've been experiencing those things. Its been really bothering me, more than I'm ok with, and I couldn't figure out why, but now I know. Being left out and forgotten on purpose by a specific group of people in my church brought these feelings to the surface again though very strongly. My friends at church have also poured salt into my wound. They have forgotten me on accident- and I thought if you truly loved someone like you said you did, you wouldn't forget them over and over. So this led me to further believe I am unloveable Even more than that, my friends seem to keep siding with the people who leave me out on purpose- telling me, "its not personal (when every person in my group except ME gets invited I take it personal) They don't mean it, they're just like that." (oh yeah, that makes me feel better. great people) and most recently "just get over it" Whoa! I was coming to you as a friend to let you know how I feel and my feelings get shoved aside? That makes one feel loved for sure. 

And no one is in love me with yet because of my belief that I am unloveable I don't allow anyone to get close enough to love me. Because I feel that if they really knew me, they would see how unloveable I am. Because that's what has been told me over and over and over my whole life. 

So it is people! It is that we need to love each other because as we are made in God's image we experience love through people and can further know God's love! We've been commanded to love because Jesus knew we'd need people to help us along! AND! As the church we should be loving everyone else! Just like the Bible also says we will be known by our love, right now we are known for our lack of love! The unconditional love that Jesus walked in on Earth is what brought people to Him, which is also why he commanded us to love, hate drives people away, love brings them in! Which is why no one comes to church because love is hard to find there! 

So, at this stage, I pray that love from people will come second to love from God in my heart. I pray that my view of myself- the fact that I truly am loved unconditionally by God will be what I stand on and what defines me rather than how people treat me. And through finally having that love embedded in my core- I can then love people the way I have been commanded. 

Day Off.

Today was my day off. The first I've had in a loooong time. I don't work 7 days a week, but the days I don't work I go to class, or I have church. And occasionally I have two things in a day, like working right before going to class, and working before I go to my volunteer work. So I never stop. And today I had nothing, not a single obligation in the world. I had planned on going to the Art Museum, to do homework, but also after that was done to just enjoy the works of art hanging there. But the Art Museum is closed only on Mondays. So my plans changed, no big thing. Now, I'd go pick up my BolderBoulder packet, buy my new running shoes so I can break them in, and get some new cute spring shirts. But that didn't happen either. Nope, my day consisted of sitting on my ass, staring at a computer screen taking care of financial aid, my resume, watching movies, and reading about Swine Flu (and being a semi-hypochondriac I was convinced for a while I had it). I never made it out of my house even though I had showered, done my hair and gotten cute to face the public. I had planned on going with my mom to do all these things. She put it off for an hour and claimed it would only be 20 minutes. Then as we were headed out she announced she had to be home at 3 because she had promised my little sister that should would accompany her to get her hair cut. It was 2:30. So it being pointless to leave just then she said we'd go out after she got back so I waited. She didn't get back till 5:30, when my other sister and her family arrived for dinner. So I asked my older sister if she would come with  me to get my things. She said yes too, and that never happened. Not her fault, when one has a screaming baby its hard to do anything. So basically my whole day was ruined. My one day off to do anything I wanted to and nothing happened. I could have gone by myself, but I am alone all the time, and today being along didn't sound appealing. Though I've been alone all day anyway, sitting in my room by myself. And the next two weeks to a month of my life will be totally consumed with work, school, and volunteer efforts, without a single day for me to do anything that I want to do just because. I hate it. I need a vacation, which won't happen because I can't afford to take any days off. I think I have to though, because I may lose it. 

RRRGGG

I don't care who you are. If you  make a mistake you need to fix it. And there is NO reason to get pissed off and make someone else feel stupid before making it their responsibility to fix your stupid mistake. 

Lame!!!

So, maybe I can be touchy, and take things a wee bit too personal sometimes when its really not. But today I'm annoyed and taking this personally because damit it made me angry. 

When a friend invites you somewhere, even if its just to visit them at their place of work don't go and make other plans to AVOID going to that place. Just say "No". And REALLY! What is more important?! A friend, or getting "all natural no preservatives organic food" (when said place of work SERVES THIS!!!!) when it doesn't matter what you put in your body ANYWAY because the Bible freaking says so and if you READ and BELIEVE the Bible like said friends do then EAT WHEREEVER YOU WANT AND GO SEE YOUR FRIEND WHO WANTED TO SEE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! GEEZE! LAME LAME LAME LAME LAME!! 

Once a month I get upset about being single. I noticed this pattern last month finally. Just one week out of every month I feel the weight of my status as single and really get annoyed by it. And it always seems that right in that one week, the one guy who I can't seem to get over, is always more attentive. Like today, he saw me standing alone, so he bee-lined it right to me. Thing is that he never does this. I could be standing alone waving at him and usually he walks right by. Not this week, this week he sees me and comes right to me with no encouragement from me. Only to leave my poor heart beating faster than it should yet completely unsatisfied with the thought and presence of him, yet the total confusion of whether or not he's noticed that I in fact melt at the very sight of him. Probably not. So I wonder why its so hard to get over him. If he doesn't notice me half the time, and the other half just confuses me by flirting and being great but then not following with anything. The book echos "He's just not that into you" But somehow I just don't buy it all the time. Then logic kicks in and says "duh, why has it been so long and you're still not with him?" UGH... 

Grrr...

I feel generally hostile right now. 

Freaking angry. 

Upset.

I've been clenching my jaw so long my teeth hurt. 

I wish hitting things was a good idea. 

I even wish hitting people was a good idea. 

That'd make me feel best. 

For now I'll just sleep.