Painting

Mom and Dad.

Acrylic on

Canvas

2011

Dimensions....

Wrong Road

I think I left part of me laying on that couch three years ago. And last night she found me, or I found her, and now I can't shake her off. I left her on the couch for a reason. I don't know what that reason was, and I don't think I even knew I left her there. But this feeling must have been why.

My life should have worked out differently. It should have progressed in some other way. I expected to be living somewhere else, with him, being happy. Instead I'm living by myself, hoping to afford a cat. I wonder if I missed the turn, or turned when I should have gone straight and now I'm lost, but everything is familiar. I don't remember missing a turn, or making a wrong turn. But I hope I find redemption along this road.

I'm moving out. I woke up this morning, decided it was time, went out and found an apartment. In less than two months I'm moving out and will be living by myself for at least a year. Wow. I never thought the day would come. But here it is. I'm excited like crazy, and also scared out of my mind.

Unrequited Love

Once again, I've fallen in love with someone who isn't retuning it. My heart is heavy, and feels like it could sink and fall out my toes. He says I'm "something else" and "intense". And I'm worried those are two reasons why I'm 25 and still single. I hope I can get over him soon. But as for now I'm pretty much in danger of feeling miserable for a while. I hope I don't botch this up.

Meeting

So I turned 25, my little sister got a boyfriend, and I freaked out. So in freaking out, I decided to get a tattoo, which I never got, another piercing, which I never got, a new truck, which I never got, and to join match.com, which I did.

I joined in a panic, and probably against my better judgement. But I joined. I had hoped it would have more... more. Its a plethera of men, all of which are lame, unattractive and very attentive, or ridiculously attractive and don't care at all about me. And me, with my shallow yet very honest voice, is wanting someone ridiculously attactive.

But I met one of the average guys last night, and he was nice, and paid for my dinner, and there was never a lull in the conversation, and yet... I was bored. He got passionate about things, which is more I can say for the last guy who took me out. In sounding picky, he was passionate about the wrong things.

I love Jesus, I just do. Its not going to change, and though I've been hurt and disappointed, and I'm angry, I want to attend church. He was burnt out. Which is totally understandable, and I get it. But I'd like someone to be willing to attend with me, and not expect the worst every time and be bitter and angry. It felt more like a buisness meeting, than a date.

Then, there are these guys who go on and on about Jesus, and how the girl they meet must be in love with Jesus too, and how their whole lives revolve around church and missions. I just wonder, do they do anything else? Is there a personality along with that ministry?

What I'm looking for is a good balance. Someone who loves Jesus, but has character and isn't angry and bitter.

And, after joining match.com, I have come to the solid conclusion that I want to meet a person in real life and not online.

25

I'm turning 25 in a couple days. I always make a big deal out of all my birthdays, I mean I was born! LOTS to celebrate! So I make a big deal, get dressed up, and make it an all out night for people to come and just have fun together. I've never made that big a deal about my age except for when I turned 19, I thought I was old then. 21 of course, I can drink legally so that was exciting. But I'm going to be 25. I'm in my mid twenties. How did I get here? I thought I'd be further along in life, have stuff figured out, have my own place, maybe even have accomplished something worth talking about. But I'm 25, still single, no career, I'm back in college with a couple years ahead of me, and I still have insecurities and jealousy issues. I fluctuate with my weight when I always pictured myself as this sleek confident woman- I guess I forgot I was really short and really muscular with a layer of fat over everything. I look good, just I see where I could look better. And standing next to a gorgeous man who has no issues with weight makes me feel self conscious.

I thought about going to Vegas for a couple days, just packing up and flying away to a place I've never been just because I can. Only thing keeping me back was the fact I had no one to go with me.

There we come to what REALLY bugs me. I'm single.

I've always been single. I've dated a little bit- but mostly its turned out badly. Well, not always badly, just nothing coming from it. A lot of the time its been the guy who runs away, but I've had my fair share of non-interest in men who thought I was wonderful. I've been watching friends get in relationships, get married, have babies. And all the while I keep getting asked "so is there anyone in your life?" And I always have the same answer of- "No". I see it in a positive light from the sense of I don't have tons of baggage, no one has to deal with a crazy ex, and I don't have all the trouble of having to deal with heart breaks. Well, not really BAD heart breaks, since my heart has been broken before. But at the same time, I'm always alone, constant third or fifth wheel, and my bed is quite big and lonely.

I could make it on my own just fine. I have no doubt that I could handle my life in every way for a long time with no one to help me out. Problem is I just don't want to. Coming home to a quiet house sucks, going to bed alone all the time sucks, and having to cancel plans or not make plans because there is no one to come with me.

This is the one thing bugging me the most.

Heart

I had thought I was over him. Or maybe I just thought I could be over him. Not seeing someone for months will do that. So when I was to see him today I figured no big thing, he probably wouldn't really notice me anyway. But he did. He noticed and found me and hugged me and told me he missed me. Now my heart is run away again and he's all I can think about. I feel a sliver of hope that maybe, even some time in the future something could be. But I also feel an even bigger hopelessness at his inaction.

Change

Its crazy how one event can effect so many people so profoundly, even if that event is just your boss being transferred. 

I'm angry. I feel like my stability has just been snatched away from me. And like this place I've been in for over a year now, is suddenly no longer safe and I've got to watch my back. 

My attitude is horrible right now, and the only thing keeping me from flipping the bird and walking away now, is knowing that I'd really only be screwing myself over. Kind of like getting drunk and making out with a stranger to get back at your ex, really, he didn't get hurt, I did. It would be the same thing now if I were to quit, or suddenly drop my performance to less than admirable which is what it has been. But I feel like doing that. 

So off I go now, on the trek to find a new job. What a time to be doing so eh? But I trust that I will find a place that will fit with my life, and be better than this place ever was. 

Besides that, we are having a mutiny in my class. The teachers who don't teach, rather, who talk to us like we are kindergartners and expect us to respond and be enthusiastic about such treatment, are getting a letter, signed by the entire class, telling them we would like more challenge in the classroom, and to be talked to and taught like adults. I'm pretty nervous, wondering how this will go. This is the exact reason I don't sign petitions, I get too nervous its going to come back and bite me in the ass. But too late! My signature is on the letter. Let's hope no nasty repercussions come from this. 

Between Us

That phrase is SO loaded!!! 

Lets keep this between you and me. 

But because I'm curious, (and concerned once that comes up) I say yes, because yes, I can keep it to myself. I'm a good secret keeper. 

But I was NOT expecting THAT. 

Men

Why is it, that the best men in my life just aren't available? This great guy who is fantastic to spend time with, great conversation, we have TONS in common, just generally great, is going to take a vow of celibacy. 

Another guy, wonderful conversationalist as well. Thinks I'm fabulous, notices everything about me, so he gives great attention and compliments, I think his personality is wonderful, but he does nothing for me physically! 

The most attractive men in my life are wishywashy who won't commit to even a simple dinner at Chipotle, or don't admit to me for the year I've know him that he is married (which is still unconfirmed from him) but he flirts with me. 

Or the other married men who come into my store and seek me out but do nothing more than smile and flirt. Not that I want an affair, but why in the world do married men think I'm so wonderful and single men don't know I exist?! 

Bite me.

I'm SO glad that I try. Make plans, invite the people who claim to be a friend. And the only responses I get (which mounted up to TWO out of ten) are "NO". Its great. Here... Let me make plans after you continually tell me how much you miss me and want to see me, and talk to me and catch up when you don't even acknowledge the fact that I made the effort to make a plan to be with you! Kiss my ass!!! This makes it SO much easier to leave. Thank you so much for turning what I thought would be a hard change, into an easy one. Goodbye. 

Problem

I don't know what to do. You'd think in this situation it would be cut and dry, no debate or back and forth. But that's exactly what I'm doing. 

I try to justify it with, well I don't know the whole story. And: maybe he only wants to be friends and I'm the one reading into it. And even thinking up ways that this could even possibly be ok! All those sound good to me, and I can also justify myself by saying: well I just don't know what to say so until I figure it out then I'll address it, until then I'll just go along with it. How far am I willing to go before I say something? Am I trying to just satisfy myself ? 

But its SO not ok! Right? Why can't I convince myself this is wrong??? 

I mean, I KNOW its wrong, otherwise I wouldn't be so worried about it, but why isn't the fact of HOW wrong it is stop me from wanting it? I guess wanting it and acting on that want are two totally different things. Problem is... I don't know if I'd stop myself from acting on it if I got the chance... Oh help.

Tony

I miss Tony. 

No one gets it outside of my family. They're great, but I want my friends to understand.

Someone I love is in prison. He murdered someone and he's doing his time. I feel safer with a murderer as a friend than I do with a priest, or a youth pastor, because I know he is glad I exist and wants me to be around. Even if for now its only through letters. 

Its hard. And when I try to talk about it, they change the subject and act as if I wasn't even speaking about something that pierces me to the heart. 

I felt invisible on Sunday, and angry and hurt. I think my time there is over, but I don't know where else to go. And how can I explain to people who don't get it that they've hurt me so much I just want to leave it all behind? 

Breathe in and out and stop freaking out!!

I should live in the moment. Not be jumping ahead to a million different "what if's" because then I freak out and stop breathing right and I freak out more because suddenly I can't breathe and so just because he responded to a question I sent out DOES NOT mean anything other than a nice day of hiking and friendship will occur!!! 

Only

Sometimes I get tired of being the only one of things. Like the only single person in the room. The only childless person. The only 20-something. The only Christian. The only one who makes any sense. The only one... 

Stream of Consciousness.

I feel like I fell into an abyss this week. I've been totally un-social, except last night when I met two friends from work for a half hour dinner, one of which I won't see for over a year- or possibly ever again- after he goes into the Friary to become a Friar in the Catholic Church. Good for him! I'm super excited, he's found his calling in life and is following through on it. He's basically giving up all the fleshly comforts of life to follow what God has called him to. I have a HUGE respect for him, I couldn't do that right now, but it makes me sad too, to see him go. I haven't been outside of my work environment for the last two weeks it seems. Today was my first day off in weeks I think, if  not months. It was SO nice to not worry about anything except what I wanted to. My carpet is clean, I have new conditioner and I got out on the town for a bit, then stuck in a torrential downpour which was amazing. The storm today was fabulous. 

Now I'm resting, and waiting, trying to prepare for the weekend. I'm going to be a prayer minister at a conference at my church this weekend. And I feel so ill equipped. I haven't been praying well lately, and I'm scared I won't hear God for people when they come to me. Its not God I doubt, its ME. That, and I feel like a total failure right now, and like I should be MORE before I do this. I'm afraid I'll be found out as a fraud, though I don't know why anyone would think I'm a fraud. Ugh... just me and my thinking. I've been inside my own head too long. I'm starting to circle, I know I need people when I start circling. This is a good reason for me to get married. Someone to constatly keep me out of my own head. He's going to have to be strong as a freaking OX to handle me because I overwhelm myself- oh please let there be someone who can handle me. Being alone forever is a horrible thought. But with the scarcity of good men- I can't help being a bit pessimistic about this. I just recently got over someone I've been trying to get over for the last two years. It happened in a snap- its a relief to finally be free of those feelings. The date never called back, he texted me at 4:30AM to say good morning, but no calls. So I wasn't sold on him anyway, now he's pretty much done with. I don't care that he went out of town- its been two weeks and he hasn't called. I guess thats my limit- as with other guys when they hadn't called after two weeks it became clear they weren't interested- two weeks is my rule, no call in two weeks and I move on. 

I need to go to bed. The circles are getting annoying. 

Date

So I'll be going on my first date in 3 years tomorrow night. I'm crazy nervous. These are my current thoughts...

1) Oh God what am I going to wear.

2) What happens if I don't like him? I'm not good at letting people down unless I just avoid them until they get the clue but I realize that is rather immature and jerk-face, so I would prefer not to do that this time. I'll live if he doesn't like me, been there done that, I'll survive. 

3) Why am I assuming right off the bat that I won't like him/this won't work?

4) Do I actually like this guy? Not that I know him well enough yet- he was nice enough I guess. Maybe that's what dates are for... to find out if you actually do like someone. I just usually know that I like someone before I want to go on a date with him.

4b)I'm just thinking 1,754 steps ahead when I just need to get to bed, then wake up and go from there. 

5) Its kind of nice to finally have the upper hand. He's way more into me than I am him, I was basically indifferent to him calling, and so if he doesn't like me tomorrow I'll really be ok. 

6) I hope I have enough time to shower after work before the date. 

Going off the Deep End...?

I figured it out! 

I'm BORED!!! 

That's why I keep turning things down, and keeping to myself and doing all these things that I wouldn't usually do (The BolderBoulder and a triathalon, going out with random people I don't know well) Because I'm BORED with everything else! 

I don't want to go out with the people I see all the time because I know exactly what is waiting for me when I get there and I don't want to do that anymore! I want something new, doesn't even have to be exciting(exciting would be nice though)- but NEW and different than what my daily life has been for the last couple years. 

I'm not challenged enough so I do these things that are hard so I have some sort of challenge that I have to work for and its hard and might suck and hurt but its something to push for. 

It does however suck that I am so bored with people and life- not all people, and not all aspects of my life, but enough that I want to go somewhere else and meet new people for a while. 

I even started wondering if "going off the deep end" for a while wasn't such a bad thing. 

Don't know what would happen in my "deep end", but maybe my boredom will just help propel me into taking more risks and having more adventures. 

We'll see where all this goes- or if I'm just being crazy for a moment. 

Late Night

I'm just wide awake when I should be asleep. Not so wide awake as I can't get comfortable so I'm not falling asleep even though I'm tired. 

I volunteered myself to go into work tomorrow on my day off. Dumb from one angle seeing as I REALLY don't want to go. And smart from another angle that I will be making extra money which is what I need. But I'm still annoyed. And even considering looking for new employment. I'm not thrilled about my job, and not that I always will be about any other job. But I just feel like its not worth my level of exhaustion. Now that I'm promoted I'm constantly fighting with people- not like having an argument, but more like a battle of wills, thankfully I am very strong willed and don't back down. But I am getting tired! Its not difficult to just DO something so just DO IT!!!! It wasn't like this at first, every one was fine- but now that I've been an authority figure at work for a couple months the battles are starting and I am just getting beaten up by them! I won't of course let anyone at work know this, but geeze! 

And I've been acting strange lately. I hardly ever make plans anymore. I mostly just let things happen, and if someone wants to make plans I never commit until the last minute and with most people I back out and I'm driving myself crazy! I don't know why I'm doing this! I can't tell if its because I'm afraid something better will come along, or I'll be boring, or they'll be boring. Or in the case of work I don't want to get too close anymore because that makes me vulnerable and since I'm having a rough time at work I don't want to be vulnerable because that allows weakness and boy do I hate being weak! I don't even feel like being all that social either. I don't want to be alone- but on my days off all I want is to be alone. I'm a walking contradiction.

My friendships are changing and I don't like it. I'm not sure what they're changing into, or what will happen. I'm not even sure if some friendships are going to last much longer, if this is goodbye or the stepping stone to a better relationship in the long run. I'm just not sure where anything is headed with people in my life and I'm uneasy about it. I'd like a change and I'm sure I need one- but not such a turbulent one. Its late at night and now I've lost my sense. Good night. 

There Might Be A Light

I wait outside your house and sing below your window

And I look for the light to show... I know I know it will come on, come on, come on.... soon...

There is no delusion

To you I don't exist I am only shadow

Only a ghost to wait as long as I have for this

And I can't wait much longer....

There might be a light

Somewhere in your mind

When you think of you and I

I know there will be a light

It might not burn very strong

But I know its coming on

It will come on, come on, come on

-Jars of Clay-